I was thinking recently about why I don’t like to swim. It’s not that I cannot swim, I can. It’s not that I’m afraid to swim, I just don’t enjoy it much. I nearly drowned when I was in kindergarten, strangely enough I was in swim class at the time. I remember being in a group of kids listening to the instructor talk and I was bouncing. You know, bouncing up and down in the water. It’s nice to bounce. So I bounced and did not realize that I was getting into the deep end. Nobody else noticed either. At one point I was completely submerged and I remember thinking, “WOW! I am already going underwater and we haven’t learned that yet. How great is that?” but then I figured out that I couldn’t break the surface no matter how I bounced and then I hear my mom screaming, “somebody GET her!!” and they did.
So I think that’s why I don’t care for the water.
At any rate, I do like to write about the water especially in a metaphorical sense. I ran across the lyrics to a song I wrote a LOOOOOONG time ago using this metaphor so I thought I’d post those today. I still really like this song. Maybe with some CPR it will breathe again.
Under the Water
Feels like I’ve been hiding again find me under the water can’t hear words from the voices at the surface everything sounds urgent on the surface
Feels like I’ve been frightened again just as if I’m a child Can’t see much so I keep my eyes closed everything seems calm underwater
Sounds escape from my lips that’s how I know I’m alive I know I’m breathing under the water I know what I’m doing under the water I know I’m dreaming under, under the water
Feels like paranoia finds me in my alone time can’t do much but wait for an opening everything seems still underwater
Sounds escape from my lips that’s how I know I’m alive I know I’m breathing under the water I know what I’m doing under the water I know I’m dreaming under, under the water
Feels like I’ve been discovered again found out all I’m pretending Can’t say much so I keep my mouth closed some things are still underwater
Sounds escape from my lips that’s how I know I’m alive I know I’m breathing under the water I know what I’m doing under the water I know I’m dreaming under, under the water
I ran across this poem today. It seems fitting in so many ways for how our lives are unfolding right now that I thought it was a good piece to share on Father’s Day.
Rudyard Kipling
If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!
I’m having one of those “if a tree falls in the woods” kind of moments.
I really won’t go into the “wah, poor me” too much here I promise. My issue is that the idea of being an artist has always been a leaning I’ve not understood was as part of me. I’m 41 years old and I’m JUST starting to see it as embedded in me rather than an article of clothing I put on. I wish that I had had someone pointing this out to me when I was younger. It would have gone so far now, in times of fallow, to help me know deep in myself that I am who I hope to be.
I have a hard time remembering it when I’m not actively playing or writing or singing or painting or whatever it is that I do when I’m in my element. It’s like forgetting I have blue eyes when I’m not actually looking in a mirror. I can’t see them but it doesn’t change the fact that they exist, that they are a part of me, a part which speaks to my identity.
So as I wait….to get into the city, to get a home studio set up, for my musical shaman to finish touring (make plans to see Jars of Clay this summer!!) and for my head to clear from my work with The Wise Woman and DoxaSoma long enough to find my muse again I’m sitting in this pool of doubt.
The water is horribly cold, friends. I’m working toward stepping out into the warm air of affirmation.
So, here’s a conversation I’ve been involved in somewhat recently:
I’m picking up something heavy and a friend grabs for the other side to help.
me: “Oh, no worries, I’m fine. I can get it myself.”
friend: “I know, but you don’t have to…let me help.”
and so I did.
And it got me to thinking about what was going on for me in that moment because honestly I could have gotten it, I would have gotten it…I would have struggled but I’d have been “fine.” Was my reluctance to take help offered at first something about being efficient or strong? Saving time, saving energy…divide and conquer? I dunno. Maybe.
When things are heavy so often we CAN handle it. We DO handle it and we come out the other side “fine.” Tired, beaten down but “fine.”
What it is in your life as you think on it that you insist on carrying alone even though there are hands there ready to help you shoulder it well?
About 15 years ago a friend of mine had a “chocolate” party. She went to a lot of trouble to gather different kinds of chocolate and did research on them and arranged it all beautifully for a gathering of friends. Sadly, I was not able to go that night. I love me some chocolate and I love me some Kerry so it was hard to miss it.
When I asked how it was a week later she said that only a couple of people had come. She was expecting maybe 20 and got perhaps 4. I was devastated and felt awful for her but she stopped me in my tracks there. “It was fine, Ang, we had a BLAST! It was the right mix of people and we had some great treats and even better conversation.”
I was so envious of her attitude. I wished I was that self secure.
My biggest fear has always been throwing a party and having no one come. I don’t read it as “I have busy friends,” I read it as “I’m not important enough to get people to come to a party I throw.” It’s terribly narcissistic, I admit. It’s my own personal brand of neurotic and truly, I’m not proud of it.
I don’t know what made me think about that chocolate party this morning in the shower except that I miss my friend Kerry and I’ve always admired her tenacity. It made me realize though just how far I have to go yet in this whole struggle toward wholeness and that’s a bitter pill to swallow, even if the pill will eventually help me to be healed.
I’m working on that recycling problem I have…that problem being that I fell off the “recycle” wagon a while ago. I’m working on becoming more mindful, though, of how I live on this planet, my impact on even just this immediate field of green in my backyard. I had a discussion with someone today about Global Warming and he said the best thing, “I don’t care whether someone believes in global warming or not…it’s not about the cause or even the effect. It’s about taking care of the planet.”
And I love this. And I think he’s right on there.
You see, here’s the thing. We live here. Our children live here. We hope our grandchildren and loads of generations of future children will live here and what sort of “living” will they do? What will the planet be like in 10 years? 50 years? 100 years?
We tend to be a short sighted people, we humans. We are prideful and arrogant at times. We don’t spend enough time thinking ahead and we take little notice of our present. The planet is not disposable. It was built for regeneration AND it was built for people to live according to it’s rules as it regenerates. It was not designed for materials which do not break down over time…for man made toxins…for war…for strip mining…for wasting of resources. It was built with a sort of inhabitant in mind who knows the value of stewardship. Lucky for us, stewardship can be learned. Unlucky for us, we are slow learners.
So maybe the “green movement” or the “global warming” accounts are inflated, maybe not. Perhaps they are designed to scare us into behaving more appropriately, perhaps not. The point is this: We should not HAVE to be frightened into doing the right thing and the right thing is to pay attention, to take care and to behave as if this is the only planet we have on which to live. This isn’t a liberal or conservative issue…it’s a human issue and it belongs to us all.
I don’t labor under the delusion that I have not made anyone angry in my lifetime or that I am in any way perfect. I often think of how I behaved even a month ago and shudder that I could say or do something so impossibly stupid or unfeeling. I guess, though I like to think that I haven’t really left a trail of haters in my wake. Maybe that IS delusional now that I type it here…it’s impossible to please everyone.
And yet I try.
It’s in me, this desire to not want conflict, this desire to keep people happy. It’s an old trait and it lives in a young place in my heart. It’s what drives me to try to clean up messes I make in relationships. It’s what makes me want to see resolution of conflict, in the right ways, the best ways. I often fail. I know this.
I got a rather surly comment on my ReverbNation email this week. It seems as though this person knows me personally. It seems as though I’ve hurt them in some way. Rather than feeling angry or defensive when I received the comment I felt perplexed. “Who hates me like this?” is what came to me first and then, “How do I make this right?” came on it’s heels.
I was tempted to engage the person. I wanted to know more. I wanted to find a way to make it right, not smooth it over but to be a person of honor and integrity and really get to the heart of the matter.
I thought through who in my past (or present) would be this angry with me…so angry that he or she didn’t feel safe enough to leave their real name or location…that they didn’t feel confident enough to ask me directly or if it is a past offense, to ask me in the moment.
And I was sad…because I chose to not engage. If the person wants to engage me honestly, directly and truly resolve some issue then I will listen, I will hear…but the back door, anonymous insult route…I have to be done with that sort of nonsense now. I’ve been on both sides of that on the internet and it’s a dead end. It’s not community. It’s heartless and cowardly.
So God bless the haters…because the haters need the blessing more than I do it seems. God bless the haters.
Dear Body
I owe you an apology. I have not been treating you well. I know that you have needs I have not met. I know that you have been hurt.
Today I want to make a promise to you. I promise that I will always love you, no matter what. Even when I don’t show it well please know that without you I would be nothing.
While I may see the beauty in other bodies we encounter I promise that I will never do so at your expense. I will not compare you to another body because I know that it hurts you and I don’t want anything to come between us.
I promise to treat you gently and to remember that your hurt is my hurt. I know that you would never do anything to injure me. I will try to remember that pain I feel from you is always a way to communicate a need and never a punishment. I will remember that pleasure and comfort are part of our language together and that they are needs for us both.
I hope you will forgive my willful denial of you in the past and let me embrace you again into the whole of my self.
metaphorfrom the Latin. metaphora, from Gk. metaphora "a transfer," especially of the sense of one word to a different word, lit. "a carrying over," from metapherein "transfer, carry over," from meta- "over, across" (see meta-) + pherein "to carry, bear" (see infer).
metaphor
from the Latin. metaphora, 
global warming…
June 3, 2009 at 10:43 am (Mid-life Crisis, Radical Thoughts, Social Commentary, expanding your view)
I’m working on that recycling problem I have…that problem being that I fell off the “recycle” wagon a while ago. I’m working on becoming more mindful, though, of how I live on this planet, my impact on even just this immediate field of green in my backyard. I had a discussion with someone today about Global Warming and he said the best thing, “I don’t care whether someone believes in global warming or not…it’s not about the cause or even the effect. It’s about taking care of the planet.”
And I love this. And I think he’s right on there.
You see, here’s the thing. We live here. Our children live here. We hope our grandchildren and loads of generations of future children will live here and what sort of “living” will they do? What will the planet be like in 10 years? 50 years? 100 years?
We tend to be a short sighted people, we humans. We are prideful and arrogant at times. We don’t spend enough time thinking ahead and we take little notice of our present. The planet is not disposable. It was built for regeneration AND it was built for people to live according to it’s rules as it regenerates. It was not designed for materials which do not break down over time…for man made toxins…for war…for strip mining…for wasting of resources. It was built with a sort of inhabitant in mind who knows the value of stewardship. Lucky for us, stewardship can be learned. Unlucky for us, we are slow learners.
So maybe the “green movement” or the “global warming” accounts are inflated, maybe not. Perhaps they are designed to scare us into behaving more appropriately, perhaps not. The point is this: We should not HAVE to be frightened into doing the right thing and the right thing is to pay attention, to take care and to behave as if this is the only planet we have on which to live. This isn’t a liberal or conservative issue…it’s a human issue and it belongs to us all.
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