haters…

May 28, 2009 at 10:03 pm (Uncategorized)
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I don’t labor under the delusion that I have not made anyone angry in my lifetime or that I am in any way perfect. I often think of how I behaved even a month ago and shudder that I could say or do something so impossibly stupid or unfeeling. I guess, though I like to think that I haven’t really left a trail of haters in my wake. Maybe that IS delusional now that I type it here…it’s impossible to please everyone.

And yet I try.

It’s in me, this desire to not want conflict, this desire to keep people happy. It’s an old trait and it lives in a young place in my heart. It’s what drives me to try to clean up messes I make in relationships. It’s what makes me want to see resolution of conflict, in the right ways, the best ways. I often fail. I know this.

I got a rather surly comment on my ReverbNation email this week. It seems as though this person knows me personally. It seems as though I’ve hurt them in some way. Rather than feeling angry or defensive when I received the comment I felt perplexed. “Who hates me like this?” is what came to me first and then, “How do I make this right?” came on it’s heels.

I was tempted to engage the person. I wanted to know more. I wanted to find a way to make it right, not smooth it over but to be a person of honor and integrity and really get to the heart of the matter.

I thought through who in my past (or present) would be this angry with me…so angry that he or she didn’t feel safe enough to leave their real name or location…that they didn’t feel confident enough to ask me directly or if it is a past offense, to ask me in the moment.

And I was sad…because I chose to not engage. If the person wants to engage me honestly, directly and truly resolve some issue then I will listen, I will hear…but the back door, anonymous insult route…I have to be done with that sort of nonsense now. I’ve been on both sides of that on the internet and it’s a dead end. It’s not community. It’s heartless and cowardly.

So God bless the haters…because the haters need the blessing more than I do it seems. God bless the haters.

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this is just a test

May 21, 2009 at 3:43 pm (Uncategorized)

this is just a test….

I’m trying out this “post by email” button. i’m one of those people that just has to press buttons and see what they do.

this is why I’m not going on the space shuttle anytime soon.

that is all.

as you were.

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dear body

May 15, 2009 at 9:57 am (Uncategorized)
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Dear Body
I owe you an apology. I have not been treating you well. I know that you have needs I have not met. I know that you have been hurt.

Today I want to make a promise to you. I promise that I will always love you, no matter what. Even when I don’t show it well please know that without you I would be nothing.

While I may see the beauty in other bodies we encounter I promise that I will never do so at your expense. I will not compare you to another body because I know that it hurts you and I don’t want anything to come between us.

I promise to treat you gently and to remember that your hurt is my hurt. I know that you would never do anything to injure me. I will try to remember that pain I feel from you is always a way to communicate a need and never a punishment. I will remember that pleasure and comfort are part of our language together and that they are needs for us both.

I hope you will forgive my willful denial of you in the past and let me embrace you again into the whole of my self.

sincerely,

mrs metaphor
or
(insert your name here)

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you’ve always…

May 11, 2009 at 12:50 pm (Uncategorized)

you’ve always been like this
steadfast
and
peaceful
like you knew answers
before they were
hatched
like you were ready
far ahead of time
and were waiting for the rest of us

you’ve always had this heart
that beats strong and loud
through your shoestring ribcage
as if it would climb right out
of you and have a life of it’s own

you’ve always been mine
since I began
since you were considered
since air first breathed
into the cells
that make us
human.

adc ©2009

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serious as a heart attack…

May 3, 2009 at 6:02 pm (Uncategorized)
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My husband had a heart attack a few weeks ago. No, really. He did.

He’s 50 and deconditioned, his dad had one at 60 so it was on my radar somewhere but at least 10 years ahead on my radar, not the “day before Easter 2009″ radar.

To say that it took me by surprise is an understatement. It was a battle that took me completely unarmed…

He’s fine now, you know, relatively speaking. He’s on a new diet, he has some great motivation to lose weight and get healthy and I trust that he knows he dodged a bullet. The damage to his heart was minimal thank God and he came home and re-entered real life after only a few days in the hospital. So we have that going for us.

Things come to me around this everyday now…some days I’m overwhelmed with the crazy of it, some days I’m just sad, some days I’m angry.

The thing that I wanted to put down to paper (so to speak) today though is this thought that I had.

A few years ago I had a rough time with a friend around the issue of her struggle with infertility. I thought that I knew what she “must be feeling” and although she told me repeatedly in probably 75 different well thought out ways that I couldn’t possibly understand because that was not my story I just didn’t hear her.

Thankfully, since then, I think (I HOPE) I have cultivated the grace and humility it takes to say that indeed there is no way I could possibly know what she was feeling at any given time. All I have is the ability to walk alongside and offer love in the in-between moments.

I say this because I’m starting to hear that phrase a lot now, “you MUST have been so scared…” “You MUST have felt this way or that way or blah blah….” and you know my response EVERY single time is that I’m angry.

I don’t know if that is what my friend felt when I used that phrase to her…I don’t know…I just know that when people assume that they know how I felt (or feel) going through this I feel very diminished in it all.

I guess what I’d LIKE to hear is more along the lines of “how are you feeling?” and “what was that like for you?” because to be honest, I didn’t feel sad or scared in the moment. I didn’t have that and for a number of people to tell me I MUST have felt that way I get confused….maybe I SHOULD have felt that…what’s wrong that I didn’t FEEL that?

Gah. crazy making in my brain.

So, sorry for the run on rant-o-rama…purging is good.

I suppose what I am most pleased about today is that realization that even the hard stuff I went through with my friend has merit to me now in this moment. It was a lucky little ‘a-ha’ to me and for that I am truly thankful.

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